Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
