I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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