neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
