Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
