I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
