i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
