Is it because I queefed?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
