is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
