Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
