Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
