I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
