I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
