The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize