i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
