Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The struggles of a small town man whore
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
