Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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