I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
