OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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