If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
