Welp...herpes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
