I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Acid is not a monday night drug
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
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