My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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