Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm sobbing to NWA
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
