I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
