We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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