i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
