I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
