she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
