I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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