I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
