The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
