i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
