I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
