based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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