when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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