guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
