90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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