You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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