How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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