I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
