I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize