i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize