I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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