She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Sorry about my life...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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