I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
