so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
