I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
