When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
