he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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