someone threw a dead crab at me
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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