Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize