I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
