If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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