im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i've created a new STD.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
