...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
