my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
