We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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