There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
