actually, I'm a sock model
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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